Nice Try, Jane Sinner Read online

You can always make new friends! You can be such a nice girl when you make the effort, Jane.

  This is why I can’t talk to the parents. They think you can get friends in high school the same way you get chips from a vending machine. Put in a little niceness, and some kid pops out ready to double-check your homework and paint your nails at a slumber party. Niceness is not a valid currency in high school.

  JS

  It’s not that easy, Mom. I’m not going back there.

  Friends or no friends, the Legend of Jane Sinner will linger in the halls of James Fowler for years to come. All I want is to put some distance between myself and that story. Between myself and anyone who thinks of me that way. All the parents want is for me to stabilize, to become the girl who used to exist but doesn’t exist anymore, for everything to stay the same forever and ever, amen.

  MOM

  I suppose you could study online.

  And never have a reason to leave this house? I’ve wasted far too much time here lately.

  JS

  I don’t think so.

  MOM

  We’re just concerned for you, is all. It might be too much for you right now, what with—​

  JS

  I know. And I appreciate your concern. But I really need some space . . . to focus on my studies.

  It’s not easy being diplomatic. As if on cue, they looked at each other, took a deep breath, and exhaled my name.

  PARENTS

  Jane . . .

  I wonder if they know they’ve slowly merged into the same person in two different bodies.

  I can’t believe I said this, but—​

  JS

  I’ll go back to youth group.

  They immediately softened. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to play the Prodigal Daughter card, but as far as I know, nothing can trump it.

  PARENTS

  Oh, Jane. That would be so good for you right now. Good friends, Christian support—​

  JS

  Only if I move out.

  Awkwardly trying to fit into conversations that aren’t the right size or shape for me while dying of boredom every other week is not ideal, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make for my freedom. Mom picked up her spoon and resumed stirring, turning her back to hide the tiny smile inching across her face.

  DAD

  Well, that’s something to consider, isn’t it? Why don’t we sleep on it?

  JS

  Sure.

  Obviously I’m not going to tell them about House of Orange just yet. One step at a time.

  This is what I sent to Alexander Park:

  PART A: THE BASICS

  NAME: Jane Sinner

  AGE: 18

  DOB: June 6

  PROGRAM/COURSE: psychology

  HOMETOWN: Calgary

  DO YOU HAVE ANY ALLERGIES? no

  DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL DIETARY RESTRICTIONS? no

  DO YOU HAVE ANY MENTAL OR PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PREVENT YOU FROM COMPETING IN HIGH STRESS LEVEL CHALLENGES? not really

  PART B: PERSONAL RESPONSES

  ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP? HOW LONG? no

  DESCRIBE YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP: no

  DESCRIBE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FAMILY: no

  DO YOU HAVE ANY SINGING, ACTING, OR PERFORMING ASPIRATIONS? god no

  WHAT DO YOU DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME? draw, eat, watch substandard television programming

  WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST STRENGTH? brevity

  WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS? no

  WHAT (OR WHOM) DO YOU VALUE MOST IN YOUR LIFE? competence, autonomy, absurdity, abstract nouns in general, steak, the people who slaughter cows so I don’t have to

  WHAT REALLY ANNOYS YOU? poor grammar, penciled-in eyebrows, most displays of emotion, ballpoint pens

  FAVORITE TV SHOW? America’s Next Top Model

  FAVORITE BOOK? the internet

  WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON POLITICS? I’m happily apathetic

  WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON RELIGION? my thoughts are too profound and complex to be adequately dealt with here

  WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? pain, middle age, the bottom of the ocean

  WHAT GOALS DO YOU HAVE FOR YOURSELF? to become a well-adjusted and self-aware individual

  PART C: THE SHOW

  ARE YOU A PRIVATE PERSON/ HOW COMFORTABLE ARE YOU ON CAMERA? privacy is a state of mind

  ARE YOU WILLING TO COMMIT TO LIVING AT HOUSE OF ORANGE FULL TIME (SPENDING AT LEAST 30 HOURS A WEEK AT THE HOUSE BETWEEN 8AM AND 11PM)? yes

  ARE YOU A COMPETITIVE PERSON? yes

  HOW DO YOU PLAN TO COPE WITH THE STRESS OF SCHOOL AS WELL AS A REALITY SHOW? I plan to not get stressed in the first place

  WHAT MAKES YOU A GOOD CANDIDATE FOR HOUSE OF ORANGE? I don’t know

  WHY DO YOU WANT TO PARTICIPATE IN HOUSE OF ORANGE? to win the car, obviously

  WHAT ELSE CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF?

  @ . . @

  (---------)

  ( > _____ < )

  ^^ ~~ ^^

  Technically I’m not eighteen yet, but almost eighteen should be close enough. I don’t know if high school students qualify for the show, so psychology seemed like as good a fake area of study as any. I’ll do that program or whatever that allows me to take college courses too. If that’s not good enough for some shitty community college show, it’s not like I have anything to lose. And if I’m going to be spending my spring attending some shitty community college, I might as well become a shitty reality show superstar. Move over, Bachelorette.

  I filled out and submitted all three sections of the Elbow River application. It left a lot less to creativity than the House of Orange form, although it did make an effort to at least appear interesting. All the titles and headers are typed in what looks suspiciously like the Twitter font. I swear, their marketing department must be run by the kinds of parents who think wearing a baseball cap backwards and having a Hotmail account will help them fit in with their children. Is this really the sort of establishment I want to entrust with my future?

  Well, what else are you going to do with yourself, Jane?

  For starters, I can revise my history. That’s what I’m doing here, isn’t it? Rewriting my story so it no longer revolves around the Event. So it no longer stars some washed-up nihilist too uncomfortable in her own skin to do anything worthwhile. People already talk about me behind my back. Maybe it’s time I give them something new to talk about.

  WedMar9

  The parents made another attempt to persuade me to live at home. It was just a formality, really. They know as well as I do what happens when I make up my mind. “Why would you ever move out when you could have free room and board plus family support right here? You shouldn’t be alone. Let us do your laundry and provide you with furniture and cook you macaroni and cheese with REAL CHEESE and chew your face off every time you come home later than we think you should and let you know when you’re actin’ sassy and love you more efficiently by seeing you EVERY DAY and living in the same house FOREVER.” So. Pros and Cons of moving out:

  PROS

  CONS

  freedom

  macaroni and unreal cheese

  The decision basically made itself.

  I guess they do have a point about money, though. I’m no mathematician and I’m certainly no economist, but I think this formula is on point:

  reduced standard of living (student loans + part-time job)

  = affordable housing

  Two hundred dollars a month is all I can afford to pay for rent, and as far as I know, two hundred dollars won’t get me anything besides a room on House of Orange. Unless, perhaps, I’m okay with living in some hoarder’s closet, smothered in poorly trained cats and breathing musty thrift store air until my lungs collapse.

  ThuMar10

  I met Alexander Park today and saw the house. He emailed me back thirty-two minutes after I sent him the application, asking for an interview. This means that either I am incredibly awesome or Alexander Park is desperate for people. When I got the
reply I still wasn’t sure if this was all a joke, and if it was serious, just how seriously it was being taken. House of Orange could mean nothing more than a lonely fourteen-year-old with a GoPro. I don’t know how old Alexander Park is, but he has more than one GoPro. He also has four cameras on loan from the school, several computers, and a team of fellow film students wearing orange baseball caps embroidered with the letters HOO. Alexander Park introduced me to each one, but I don’t remember all the names. I took a tour of the house, and it’s not too bad. The house is a ten-minute bus ride from the school, and it’s located in a reassuringly mediocre neighborhood. AP’s parents own the place and usually rent it out to students. It’s not a big house, but there are six “bedrooms,” three up and three down. I have to admire the creative use of curtains and large shelving units. Not exactly conducive to privacy, but privacy’s not the point. There’s a bathroom on each floor, a living room, a large dining room, and a tiny kitchen with counters possibly made from recycled pylons. Also, orange shag carpet. Everywhere.

  The team asked me the sorts of questions one asks on a first date, then talked for a while about the technical aspects of the show. They said enough to convince me it’s legit. At least, as legit as a group of film students can make it.

  ALEXANDER PARK

  So, do you have any other questions?

  JS

  Well, where exactly are you going with this?

  AP

  What do you mean?

  JS

  You said the show would air on YouTube.

  AP

  Right, episodes every two weeks.

  JS

  For whom?

  HOOCAP 1

  Anyone.

  JS

  (That’s lazy marketing.)

  Don’t you have a target audience, like other college students?

  HOOCAP 2

  Yeah. Those.

  AP

  We’re going to promote it within the school—​advertisements in the paper, commercials at basketball games, things like that. Elbow River has been quite supportive of the idea. This show is our baby. I’m going to make sure it’s done properly.

  JS

  So how can you afford to give away your car?

  AP

  I’ll just get another one.

  JS

  [thinking]

  I see.

  AP

  So what do you think?

  JS

  [hesitating]

  AP

  The car is the grand prize, of course, and to win it you simply have to be the last person standing, but there will be other incentives along the way. Movies, hockey tickets, books. Things students normally can’t afford.

  JS

  . . .

  AP

  Pizza, home-cooked meals . . .

  JS

  OKAY.

  AP

  Really? Great! That’s great. I’ll give you some time to look over the paperwork, etc. . . .

  I’ve told the parents I’ve found a place, but I haven’t mentioned the “conditions.” I’ll do that later. They asked if I’ll be living with girls, because of course college-age boyz (and even worse, college-age men) have no place intruding on a young woman’s personal space. I told them I’ll be living with girls, which is true enough.

  FriMar11

  I got a call from Mr. Dubs today.

  MR. DUBS

  Good morning, Ms. Sinner. This is Mr. Dubs from Elbow River calling. How are you?

  JS

  Fine, thanks.

  MR. DUBS

  Cool! That’s great. Well, I have some great news. Your application has been approved!

  JS

  What? Oh. Good.

  MR. DUBS

  I’ll be your adviser. I’ve sent you a friend request on Facebook—​feel free to message me anytime, you know?

  Speaking of Facebook, Bonnie only had a few minutes to chat before her class started, and I needed to know if she was coming over after school or if I should just catch up on America’s Next Top Model without her.

  JS

  Yeah. Sure. Hey, I’ve got to go—​

  MR. DUBS

  You know, we’re really happy to have you as a student. We think you have great potential. Elbow River is such a cool place to really grow as a community-oriented individual, you know?

  JS

  Yeah. Sounds cool. But right now I’m in the middle of . . . making . . . lunch . . .

  MR. DUBS

  How about I send you a T-shirt? We just reinvented our mascot to better reflect our evolution as a community.

  JS

  Okay, sure.

  MR. DUBS

  What are you making for lunch, Ms. Sinner?

  JS

  Uh . . . donuts.

  MR. DUBS

  Cool! That’s great. Well, you’re officially a Greaser now!

  JS

  Sorry?

  MR. DUBS

  An Elbow Greaser! Ha-ha.

  JS

  My donuts—​

  MR. DUBS

  We’re going to have a great year, Ms. Sinner.

  JS

  They’re . . . burning—​

  MR. DUBS

  Oh, and Ms. Sinner?

  JS

  Yeah?

  MR. DUBS

  Like us on Facebook and you’ll get ten percent off your online textbooks!

  The last basketball game of the season at James Fowler means nothing to me, but Bonnie, Tegan, and a couple other people I could probably stand for an hour or two were watching and I said I’d join. Tom was busy with homework, but he said we’d catch up later. I hadn’t been to any games since the Event, and I was really hoping it would be different. That I would be different. That I could sit comfortably in my own skin without the need to censor myself for everyone but Bonnie. But it didn’t feel that way. The gym was full of the same squeaks and echoes and unflattering fluorescent lights.

  BONNIE

  It’s been a while, hey Jane? Not since Before.

  Bonnie sees things the same way I do: Before and After.

  JS

  So I’m going. To community college.

  BONNIE

  No shit! Congrats, I guess?

  JS

  Thanks, I guess?

  BONNIE

  So you’re really going to do this? The reality show?

  JS

  Why wouldn’t I?

  BONNIE

  You’re not exactly the in-front-of-the-camera type, Jane. What’s your game plan—​to sit there quietly, popping Prozacs while everyone else has fun?

  I’m actually not on antidepressants at the moment. Besides, I was never on Prozac. It was Effexor. It kind of sucks that Bonnie doesn’t think I’m serious about this. She’s always had my back. But maybe I should cut her some slack. After all, I’m the one who wasted years of friendship refusing to stick up for her sexuality because I thought that was the “moral” thing to do.

  JS

  It would be nice if you believed I can do this. You’re the one with faith, after all. Not me.

  BONNIE

  Don’t be stupid, I know you can do this. It’s just . . . different. You having an adventure without me.